I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I showed him my bush... on skype.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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