Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
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No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
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Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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