she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
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he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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