End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
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I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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