also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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