The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
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There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
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I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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