just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
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I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
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I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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