My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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