i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize