I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
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Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
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Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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