Your dad touched me again.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
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i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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