Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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