I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
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I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
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Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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