Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
