I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
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I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize