Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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