I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
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It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
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THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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