fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
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Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
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Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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