Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
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