i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
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I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
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I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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