My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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