Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
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she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
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You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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