Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
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Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
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Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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