I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
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There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
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was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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