Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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