He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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