The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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