dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
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She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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