He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
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I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
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I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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