Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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