Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
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He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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