dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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