you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
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guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
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How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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