I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize