i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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