I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
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Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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