i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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