Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
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I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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