I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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