My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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