dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Pants are for mortals
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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