Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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