If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
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In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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