I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
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Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
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If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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