I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize