You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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