My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
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I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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