I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
im on a boat
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