Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
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Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
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What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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