Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
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I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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