Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
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Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
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I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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